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Evening Quickie: Hospital Edition

Once again i find myself talking to you from a hospital bed...allow me to paint the scene.

I'm in bed number 20 tapping away to you while someone, very loudly, throws their guts up. I've just had an injection of morphine so for the first time today i'm not writhing around in agony. The curtains are drawn because the guy opposite me keeps staring at me, and i'm watching a film that i downloaded earlier thanks to the newly installed WiFI. The film, I Am Number Four, is shit...but its better than watching the guy next to be continually spit into a beaker, another who is blissfully unaware that hospital gowns don't do up at the back, and another two chatting about their respective parrots. Just another typical night on Ward 27, and its only 10pm. I promise you...things can only get better.

You would think that i had enough to deal with while in hospital, but i seem to make a full time job out of avoiding eye contact and, god forbid, having verbal interaction. I'm not an anti-social person. After 7 years, and almost 60 operations, i consider myself an expert in the complex sociology of the hospital ward.

Here are the unofficial rules for hospital interaction that everyone, but me, seems to be aware of.


  1. All conversations must begin with a detailed explanation of ones haemorrhoids etc.
  2. Such explanations must be louder than strictly necessary.
  3. Stick to the script...if one deviates it may give an accidental impression that one is listening.
  4. Nod ones head while the other person's lips are moving, and say "yeah yeah"...this will maintain the impression that you are listening.
  5. Once the other person has finished talking, immediately pick up from the end of ones previous sentence...of course one doesn't really care what the person is saying, all that matters is that one gets to talk about oneself.
  6. Start every sentence with; "i know what you mean" and then immediately transmit an anecdote of ones own.
  7. The person one is talking to clearly didn't want a response...
  8. By 4am one must cover the following topics;
    1. Europe (and Greece...these people read the Sun apparently
    2. Iraq
    3. Government
    4. The Pope
  9. After an hour its advisable to start beginning ones sentences with the words "now i'm not a racist"
    1. Throw in a "some of my best friends are black" for good measure.
  10. Never EVER put ones phone on silent. In fact put it on loud. Make sure one takes that call from the comfort of ones bed...preferably while others are trying to sleep...refer to Rule 2.
  11. Lather, rince, repeat...always repeat.

Click 'see more' to have a laugh at more hospital sign FAIL